We all have times in our lives when we feel sadness. Whether it’s caused by guilt, boredom, frustration, or feelings of overwhelm, sadness can be a force that has the power to level us. It knocks us down, and when we can’t figure out how to get back up again it shakes our confidence, creating painful cycle. At its worst, the sadness can feel never-ending, like a carousel of hopelessness, self-hatred, and exhaustion. If we don’t find ways of coping when the shadows creep in sadness can keep us from living our best lives.
Personally, I have struggled with cyclical depression for years. I'm in a pretty great place these days, but I know what it feels like to have the weight of sadness on top of me like a wet blanket, wondering if I’ll ever have the strength to lift it off (or desperately hoping someone else will come ‘round and lift if off for me). It often starts like this: I’ll feel bored and/or frustrated by the phase of life I’m in, or I’ll feel insecure and overly self-critical about goals I’ve set that I haven’t put the work in to achieve. These negative feelings then start to consume me. The negative talk starts: “You’re never going to succeed at ABC”, or “What are you doing with your life?” or “There you are again, NOT doing that thing you’re supposed to be doing. God, you’re lazy.”
It’s awful. If you read my last post, about learning to quiet your inner critic, this part will sound familiar. Tara Mohr, as well as many other brilliant writers, has tackled the subject of retraining our brains to filter out that nasty inner voice in order to “play big” in our lives. This work has been transformative for me, and it is now a staple in my toolbox for coping when life gets hard and feelings get big.
To expand on the idea of how to handle times of sadness, I thought I’d share some of the tools I’ve developed over the years. I hope some of them might resonate with others who struggle.
1. Distraction!
The first thing I try is to simply to change what I’m doing. If the funk coming in is being caused by parental exhaustion or frustration, just getting out of the house is often enough to clear my head and come back refreshed. I’ll bring my book and my journal, and head over to my local coffeehouse (or park if the weather permits), and nurse a hot London Fog - my favourite drink EVER. Getting the whiney voices, the household chores, and feeling of servitude off my plate for a while has a powerfully restorative effect.
2. Mindfulness Practice
About 2 years ago I began a journey into living with mindfulness. I read everything I could get my hands on: A Truthful Heart, The Buddha Walks Into A Bar, Loving What Is, Living Dangerously, Buddhism For Mothers, The Dude and the Zen Master… the list goes on and on. I also began seeing a therapist who leads mindfulness workshops and drop-in sessions, and I learned so much about how to see my life more objectively. I realized the power of being present moment to moment, of quieting worry about the future, and of releasing guilt over things long gone. I’ve learned to meditate in times of extreme stress to bolster my resilience, and also as a preventative tool to maintain inner peace when I already have it.
3. Journaling
I have written in journals my whole life, and I always have a well-worn Moleskine in my purse should I need to get something onto paper NOW. I write down my feelings, inspirational quotes, and lessons; I sketch and doodle, and I practice my hand-lettering. Sometimes I just write freely, aka stream of consciousness, and that really helps to free up the really good stuff lying underneath all the gunk. Writing will always be one of my crucial lifelines. If you're not doing it yet, you really need to. Trust me.
“Write hard and clear about what hurts.”
4. Creating
Often my depression comes on when I’ve been idle for too long, or when I’ve been consuming too much. Whether it’s scrolling endlessly through Instagram and Pinterest, or reading beautiful fiction and personal development books from the public library, if I spend too much time consuming the work of others, and not producing enough of my own work, I start to slip into sadness. I find if I’m reading too much of others’ work, I need to balance that out by doing some writing of my own. If I’m watching too many youtube makeup tutorials, I’ll whip out my false lashes and do a little shoot to post myself (check 'em out!). By contributing something to the world that gives me so much, I feel so much better about this life I’m living. Participating is a big deal.
“Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE!”
5. Rally the Troops
I am so fortunate to have a diverse and lovely group of friends, family, and professionals that support me (and whom I also support in return, where appropriate, of course). My husband is my number one: he loves and cares for me unconditionally, and he listens without judgement or limits.
As far as friends go, I call up different ones for different needs. Some are excellent at lifting my spirits and getting me out of my head with some laughs and a pitcher or two of sangria. Others are able to dig deep with me, and help me understand all the feely feels I have, or they might just offer me a shoulder to cry on. I couldn't have a better group of girlfriends. I'm so grateful for all of them.
As I mentioned earlier, I also see a therapist from time to time. I used to see him rather regularly, but now I just see him for "tune-ups" on an as-needed basis. He has helped me so much, and I can not recommend personal therapy enough, to anyone and everyone. Professionals are equipped to help us see ourselves more clearly, and I wish I'd found my therapist earlier in my life. Might have saved me a lot of unnecessary grief!! :-)
“To be honest with you, I don’t have the words to make you feel better, but I do have the arms to give you a hug, ears to listen to whatever you want to talk about, and I have a heart; a heart that’s aching to see you smile again.”
Learning how to cope when inevitable sadness rolls in in our lives is important work. By relying on these strategies, I've built up my resilience. When I start to see the subtle shifts towards sadness creeping in, I'm able to support myself through it, minimizing the time spent in the shadows, as well as the strength of their impact on me. It's my hope while writing this that you are able to meet sadness as it comes with a few new tools, and heaping dose of self-love.
Here's to peaceful tomorrows!
–Katelyn
