While getting ready for school this morning, my darling daughter (DD) decided she wasn't going to co-operate - seemingly out of the blue.
“I’m not going to school,” she said firmly, her eyes daring me to challenge her.
“And, why not?” I sighed, here we go... (this was not the first time her sudden switch in behaviour caused us to be late and frustrated). I looked at her face, all scrunched up and ready for battle. She was testing me.
My belly tightened, and my pulse quickened in preparation for what experience told me was coming: a full-on tantrum. But then something happened. I realized she was watching me, gauging my reaction, and in that moment, a light bulb flicked on for me. I realized I could choose whether to react to DD with anger, or respond to her with compassion.
I chose compassion.
“I know what you and I need, Little Miss,” I began, crouching down so our eyes were level. “We haven’t had our morning snuggle yet! Would you like to go into the den with me for a little bit before we finish getting ready for school?”
Immediately she agreed, and went from combative to calm. It was like the best magic trick I’d ever seen, and I was the magician!
We climbed up onto the bed, and she rested her head on my chest. I brushed a strand of hair out of her face, feeling relieved and peaceful.
“Thank you, mama,” she said. “I just needed a snuggle wuggle buggle before school.” Heart-melting stuff, I tell ya.
We stayed like that for only a few minutes, but it was enough. DD slipped down off the bed, and we made it to school without any further incidents. I was thrilled! To be able to influence the direction of that event for the better by controlling my emotions… I felt so empowered. Like I won a Mindful Parenting merit badge or something!
“Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.”
I’m sure there are some who would say I got suckered, and that responding as I did only teaches her that defiance gets rewarded. I get it. I really do. It’s HARD to be defied by your kids. It’s beyond frustrating when your kids disobey you, sass you, ignore you, and nurturing your 4 year old during a tantrum is a real test of patience and ego. It’s a test I fail a lot, I'll be honest.
I’ve learned, though, that reacting is just not the way to go. We are capable of better, and I work hard every day to respond rather than react. Reactive behaviour is emotional at its core. It’s instinctive and impulsive, and lacks logical thinking. When we feel anger, fear, or discomfort in a situation we react. But when we react in anger, we often lose control–Hulk-style. In doing so we do we sacrifice our wisdom and reason, qualities that separate us from animals (and Marvel anti-heroes).
“Anger can not be overcome by anger. If someone is angry with you and you show anger in return, the result is a disaster. On the other hand, if you control your anger and show its opposite - love, compassion, tolerance, and patience - not only will you remain peaceful, but the other person’s anger with diminish.”
Responsive behaviour, on the other hand, uses thoughtful reasoning. We still feel the emotional tug of course, but instead of reacting out of frustration or discomfort, we use mindful awareness to think logically about how to best proceed. The absence of mindful response opens us up to unproductive arguments, to feeling victimized in our lives, and it disrupts our inner peace. Practicing mindfulness (pausing, taking deep breaths, closing our eyes, releasing physical tension), empowers us to see a situation more clearly and influence it for the better.
“To be angry is so stupid that it is inconceivable that intelligent human beings go on doing it. Somebody else is doing something and you are getting angry? He may be doing something wrong, he may be saying something wrong, he may be making some effort to humiliate you, to insult you – but that is his freedom. If you react, you are a slave. If you say to the person, ‘it is your joy to insult me, it is my joy not to be angry,’ you are behaving like a master.”
I love the above quote; I turn to it often when I’m feeling triggered and defensive.
This morning, it would have been easy and understandable to react with, “Little Miss, you are going to school. You need to do ABC and XYZ or there will be consequences.” But that strategy would certainly have backfired, and in more than one way. Not only would I have allowed my frustration to get the better of me, which feels icky, but she would have resisted big-time, perpetuating the bad feelings flowing back and forth between us. Let me tell you about my child... girlfriend does NOT respond favourably to having the law laid down for her. I know there are kids who are different, who recognize that mom or dad means business, and then will tow the line. Man, do I ever envy the parents of those kids sometimes (especially when mine refuses to wear socks and boots during a deep freeze, like this past winter - GAH!). But if I had so much as pursed my lips and pointed my finger at DD this morning, she would have dug her heels in further. She would have stopped speaking English (grunts only), she would have started pulling at her clothes (while grunting), and then started slapping the air in an attempt to vanish the whole situation from her vicinity (with or without grunting - it’s always a fun surprise). Then I would have had to issue the threatened consequence, which would have resulted in more rage from DD, which would have upped my indignation, and on and on and on foreveruntiltheendoftime. And we still wouldn’t have accomplished the original goal of getting to school on time.
Instead of that nutty scenario, which unfortunately I know all too well (what’s the definition of insanity again? Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result? Ahem…moving on….), my daughter felt loved and understood. Her tantrum was prevented by my responding to her needs with kindness, not reacting to the frustration that her behaviour brought up for me. I also avoided spending the next 3 hours of my day trying to come down from the stress of the whole thing. And the sweet little cherry on top? We even arrived at school a few minutes early. Who’s a master now?
I eat up information on mindfulness-related subjects almost every day - I can't get enough (I also feel this way about books on writing, which you can read about here). The joy and peace it has brought into my life is immeasurable. Mindfulness has affected my life in every way. I’m far from perfect, and humbly admit to being a messy work in progress with it all, but the journey has been rich with lightbulb moments like the one I had this morning. It is my hope in writing about it that I can pass on just a sliver of light to a shadowy place where you might need it.
Trudge on, Masters.
